more than words

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never harm me.

It's such an elementary concept: words alone can't--or shouldn't--hurt someone. These elementary concepts are actually the hardest to grasp. Sayings like "you'll never know what you have till it's gone" is never gonna come through unless you actually lose that specific thing or person in your life.

Have you noticed that life is actually pretty predictable? Assuming there are no lurking variables, (Yaay at the Stats reference? :P) like a tornado, hurricane, death in the family, etc.

But I digress. What I'm trying to say is that people are always gonna talk, because it's part of nature. It's how everyone expresses sadness, disbelief, anger, and most importantly, envy. And when they're talking negatively about a specific thing or person, most of the time, they're probably not even thinking or filtering out what they're saying. There's no 5-second rule, or "think before you speak." It's just diarrhea of the mouth.

So don't even waste your time. Don't even worry about it! You all are so much bigger than words of mouth. And at the end of the day, the most important thing is to make peace with yourself.

life is a mind-game

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought...What we think, we become."
Mahatma Gandhi

I've been reading this book called The Secret to Teen Power by Paul Harrington. I dunno what's up with me but I haven't been interested in any fictional books at all... The last book I've read was about this depressed, emotionally-wrecked lady who traveled to Italy, India, and Indonesia to find happiness, religion, and love. And now I'm reading, essentially, a self-improvement book. I wonder what that really says about me.

Despite all the books I've been reading, my recent blog entries, and everything else, I'm not depressed or melancholy. At least I don't think so anymore.

Basically, this "secret" that's explained in this book is optimism. It's called the law of attraction. In essence, the book is telling us that everything we think, say, or do will consequently come true. For example, if I wake up thinking today's going to be a bad day, it will be. And if I keep thinking everything will be worse and worse for the rest of the day, then it will happen. Just like that.

It all sounds so cliche and blah blah I've heard all this before, but it's completely true. My friend even said that I've lost my optimism and I haven't been able to remind him to be optimistic anymore. And that completely sucks, because he's right. In my mind, nothing has been going right because I wake up feeling that nothing's going to change. I even said that in my last blog post. And everything felt like it was going downhill because--even if I didn't say it out loud--it's as if I wanted it to.

I told my friend I'm trying to go back to the person I used to be. After talking to another friend yesterday, I realized that all of my problems were all just little things. How ironic is it that I wrote an oratory about not getting caught up in details and I did just what I orated about! (Fail.) So I did just that. I changed my outlook completely and started to approach everything step by step. Baby steps, one by one. I find that if I just focus on something small for a long time, I start to get stressed out and panic. When in reality, life isn't as horrible and unbearable as I said it was. It was all a mind-game.

And hey, things could be worse. I'm still lucky to be alive and healthy, and to have my family and friends beside me. Just think of Haiti. Things could be a lot worse. But as long as I can still wake up everyday, there's no reason why I shouldn't be happy.

turn the page

To the left of my bed is a bookshelf; and atop, Forensics trophies. Sometimes (or a lot of the times), I take 'book' in 'bookshelf' for granted. I put my alarm clock on one of the shelves, a room freshener, flashcards, even my moisturizer. I feel like I have the constant need to make room for a lot of stuff. Mostly because of laziness.

But one day, I finally took notice of my lonely bookshelf. Or, rather, the books--once strong soldiers, standing tall and proud, now having an osteoporosis. And the bookmarks that are slowly but surely bending and falling apart inside a book I've only read halfway. Not even. Sometimes I'm only 1/4 done with a book; bookmarked, then left in a bookshelf to rot and be colored with dust.

It's become a terribly bad habit of mine. I haven't finished a single book in over a year and a half. I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love for about four months and I'm not even halfway through it. My mom's been renewing it from the library every month since we've borrowed it--now, I actually feel guilty and always try to sneak in some reading time in between extra class and/or notes-taking times. And that's even more horrible. My seatmate in Stats has finished about three books of the same thickness as Eat, Pray, Love in the amount of time I've spent "reading" that book...

It's so much better for me to have an analogy or metaphor of my actually worse habit of not moving on. Living in the past--or, even better, drowning in the past. Drowning in a sea of books! It's as if I have a bookshelf behavior. (I'd be surprised if this is actually a real psychological habit/behavior.) Each book is like a particular experience that I've started doing, but stopped halfway.

It's kind of how I'm feeling right now, actually. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of an immensely long book. And instead of having a climax, it started to feel... boring. No longer interesting.

Unfortunately, life isn't as convenient as books, and I can't just put it all away in some ginormous bookshelf of life. I feel like I am stuck, literally and figuratively. No matter where I go, whether to start a new chapter or go back, I personally think nothing will really change. This situation will not worsen; at the same time, nothing will improve. Most of the time, school and life in general will just be bland, weird, awkward, and simply uncomfortable.

I wish I can just put this book away and start on a brand new one.

the promise

I cannot make a lasting plan or promise. Honestly, I didn't do it on purpose at all--I just surprise myself every single day. Especially with Forensics. Sometimes, I would not expect to be going to a national tournament. Then, on that very moment, I proved myself wrong when I saw my name on a list. Opportunities like this don't come very often for me; so naturally, I would decide to go if my parents approve.

And then, I would realize that I've made a plan on that particular day/week/month because I didn't think I would be going on that tournament. Then I'd feel bad. Really bad.

This has been an ongoing problem for me. To be extremely, extremely honest to my bones, I never intend to make some kind of empty promises. I don't deny what I say, even if those things weren't the happiest things coming out of my mouth. (That's what she said.) And when I make a promise, I stick by it.

To be perfectly blunt, I never realize how lucky I am, and I never thought great things were bound to happen the minute I think it would not happen. That's why I make plans. I always look forward to the future. There are special times or days that I would like to spend with my family, friends, or boyfriend--not realizing that something more opportune could also happen on that very same day to me. It really sucks, actually, when you've realized this pattern after a whole year.

It's not uncommon for people around me to get tired of me or think I'm bad at making plans, which I probably am. I just always plan something now when it would happen a couple of weeks or months later, and I wouldn't realize that there could be something happening that time. That "something" might only come once a year, or even two. Call me selfish, but if there's anything I would loathe to waste, it would be opportunities. Golden opportunities.

“People don’t have to like or support you, so you always have to say thank you.” — Ruben Studdard

Don't feel sorry for not wasting opportunities--the ones that will support you no matter what are the ones who value that trait of yours as much as you do. It's not about breaking promises, it's about making the most out of the time and opportunities you have right now.

I have only been able to write 31 blog posts this year. In July of last year, I wrote 11 blog posts. This year, I only wrote 1. Out of all 30 days--I only wrote once.

This fact bothers the crap out of me: the fact that I can't write anymore. Sure, I'm not J.K. Rowling--my writings aren't crazily on demand 24/7, but I do love to write. I used to write about anything and everything I wanted to, whether I was feeling sad, mad, or glad.

For example, this post and this one were actually about guys. Two completely different guys, but I pretty much had the same reaction to both of them: heartbroken. I thought it would've been easier to write when I'm feeling anything but happy, but it really isn't: my favorite post I've written was about my dad. I'd like to think I was pretty content when I wrote it.

When I'm happy, it feels like words just flow out of my fingers, to the keyboard, and onto this beige-colored square. It felt easier to click "Publish Post." I had lots of instances last year when I would be doing something, then I'd sit down and felt this huge wind coming against me. ...okay, maybe that's a hyperbole, but it was something close to that. I feel inspired, then I would feel super energetic to jump in front of the computer and write about anything.

Lately, it doesn't feel like that at all. Don't get me wrong, my life is fine and dandy, I just have no idea why I can't write. It's like a perpetuated writer's block, and it really sucks. Blah.

nike

"This is how I spend my Friday nights... On Twitter and Facebook till my eyelids can't keep themselves open anymore. Sigh."

What a brilliant way to start off a 'life totally sucks!' blog post. I don't want to be on Santa's Naughty List, though, so I shan't elaborate.

Just kidding.

I do feel crappy, though. I can make out the "I'm IB, therefore I be anti-social" excuse, but it's not completely true: this weekend, the sophies are invited to two back-to-back Christmas parties, both last till about 11 pm. Anti-socials? Pfft, we're party animals.

Seriously, I complain excessively and way have too many excuses. I think the reason why we use them is because we need some kind of affirmation that we're not completely ridiculing ourselves by not doing something, like going to a party or not turning in our homework. When you say them, it's as if there's an internal voice in your head saying, "It'll be okay; you're good."

They're kind of like a friend who always aims to please you and gives you the benefit of the doubt.

However, tweets of excuses like the one I posted is another form of self-depreciation. We don't do anything about it. There are ways we can make ourselves feel happy and completely satisfied without assuring ourselves with excuses.

Sometimes, assuring ourselves isn't even necessary. Think about it. A lot of people say that spending craploads of time on the internet wastes time. It does when you're not doing anything productive. After a while, though, it starts to get old; and you'll realize it's only, like, 8 o'clock when you thought you've been on for the whole night.

Do something else--make the most out of the time that you actually have. The time you can be spending doing something productive and have as much fun as you would in a party. It's totally okay, you don't need an excuse for that. Like Nike's ad slogan, just do it!

A couple of minutes after I posted that tweet, a friend posted hers: "As much as I complain about swimming, you can't beat the friends you make doing it."

I haven't had a lot to blog about lately. I have stories! -- just no time. I've been meaning to share the one thing I've realized this week: ultimately, it's not the grand or, for a lack of better wording, shitty things surrounding you that make you happy or unhappy. It's how you choose to react to them.

And, depending on the situation, optimism and cynicism can go hand in hand sometimes.